in part 1, I shared how pausing for even four seconds is all you need to reset your mental habits-from how you can get the most from yourself to succeed, to how to best react in stressful situation. Now, the challenge is to use that power to connect more productively and profoundly with others.
In the previous chpters, we explored the vlue of slowing down and resisting the impulses and temptations to act in ways that, when looked under the microscope, don't serve our interest. I discussed pausing for a few seconds to overcome our self-defeating mental habits and to replace them with smarter choices. And we explored ditching behaviors that leave us frazzled, overwhelmed, and spent, and embracing onces that help us act from our strength and connect with ourselves deeply.
Often people either connect deeply to themselves- and lose sight of other people-or they connect deeply to other people and lose themselves. But true power comes from doing both at the same time. Staying connected to yourself and from that place, connecting deeply with others brings productive outcomes as well as happiness.
The problem is that, while we often long to connect with others, our tendencies leave us disconnected. In difficult or stressful situation, we follow our knee-jerk reactions to get defensive, argue, or blame others. We end up alienating ourselves and others.
In part 2 we will focus on replacing the bad habits that keep us away from forging strong relationships, with good habits that help us connect deeply and peacefully with others.
18. Prioritize relationships
Being a good friend is an art. You have to give of yourself, but not so much that you lose yourself. You need to know what you want and pursue it while helping others achieve what they want.
When it comes to forging deep friendships in our competitive work spheres, our instinct is often to keep people at arm's length. You hear a single phrase ore often" I'm not here to make friends!" Apparently many of the contestants believe that in order to win they can;t worry about how they affect others. As one contestant said "Its noting personalThis is f..g business."
Even if we don't believe that being cutthroat is better than being collaborative, many of us simply don't make time for building the kind of strong and supportive friendships that characterized .. We are too involved in our own lives, too busy with our own challenges, and too focused on being productive in our own work to really focus on others. But is this the smartest, most productive way to move through life?
according to the research giving to others- a reliable way of fostering friendships-makes us happier than taking things for ourselves...money can buy happiness-as long as you spend it on other people. Once you are on the job, having a best friend at work is a strong predictor of success.
"people try hard not to fire their friends, it's the difference between he is a good guy, and I don't know about that guy..developing strong relationship with others is one of the keys to unlocking our sustainable success.
19. The hardest part is after the speech
A conference-life, for that matter- is just a bunch of human beings bumping into other human beings. Most of whom feel awkward about it. Most of whom feel awkward about it. Most of whom, more than anything, would love to be seen for who they are, not just the roles they represent. its our best shot at having a meaningful experience in a situation that often leaves us feeling shallow. being known for who we were, not just what were, is clearly good for us.
20. He broke up with her in a text: don't let the package distract you from the message
We got so distracted by the awkward, sometimes inappropriate way in which someone is communicating that we miss what the person is communicating. People's tendency to focus on the package rather than the message plagues us and decimate our productivity. For example, my friend confessed he was afraid to write emails to his new colleagues: it seems like everything is politics "why did you cc that person why did you bring up that budget issue?" I spent half my time trying to craft my communications just right. What a waste. Frankly, it's easier and smarter to just not communicate.
Here is the real issue: we are all clumsy communicators-both in what we say and in what we hear. Add to that cultural, religious, geographic, gender, age, language, and socioeconomic diversity, and it's a miracle we understand each other at all. Our natural shortcomings as communicators are precisely why we spend so much of our time confused, upset, disappointed, suspicious, or angry at many of the people around us. The solution? Try this:
Notice: anytime you feel a negative emotion about something said or written to you, it's a warning sign that you might be getting distracted by the package. If you feel anger, sadness, frustration, disgust, and disbelief, you will know its time to move to step 2.
Pause, take a deep breath. Then recognize how something was communicated..cut yourself, and everyone else, some slack. don't assume malicious intent. Don't take it personally. resist the urge to be offended.
Interpret. Now reread what was written, thank about what the person was trying to convey. search for value, strive for understanding.
Respond. a good rule of thumb is to use a different medium than elicited your emotional response. if a text upset you, don't text back. if an email set you off, pick up the phone. And when you do reply, ignore the package and focus on the message.
I switched gears, took the lead, and asked to read..as we unpacked the actual message-as we read between the lines-it became clear that Ned was overwhelmed by his feelings. he need to slow down, but it was also clear that he really lie leslie. Ned;s text message turned out to be a present. a gift she almost discarded because the wrapping was so ugly.
As we keep up with the speed-of-light pace of our busy lives, we've all become clumsy communicators. don't get distracted or offered by now the message is commenced or delivered. assume the best, look beyond how someone communicates with you, and respond to what's really going on.
22.Refuse to write someone off
I enjoy him for his other attributes. but I know what to expect from him..most time hey arent betraying you, they are just being their imperfect selves, struggling with tie own issues. Accept the person and their limitations, and move on
23. The inescapable parking ticket
Arguing achieves a predictable outcome: it solidifies each person's stance. It also wastes time and deteriorates relationships. There is only one solution: stop arguing. And resist the temptation to start an argument in the first place.
Listen has the opposite effect of arguing. Arguing closes people down. Listening slows them down. And then it opens them up. When people feel heard, they relax. They feel generous. And they become more interested in hearing you. And that's when you have a shot of doing the impossible:changing that person's mind-and maybe your own-because listening, not arguing , is the best way to shift a perspective.
One by one they started taking responsibility for their role
there is one tricky thing about taking the blame. you need to have confidence in yourself and your capability. you need the personal strength to accept failure. you need enough self-esteem to believe you can learn from your mistakes and succeed another day. It's okay to step on a do, it happens, just don't blame the dog! Country to our natural urge to defend ourselves and excuse our mistakes, taking the blame is the power move.
24. Don't blame the dog
Blaming others is a poor strategy and not simply because everyone can see through it. Or because it's dishonest. Or because it destroys relationships. Or even because while trying to preserve our self-esteem, it actually weakens it. There is a more essential reason why blame is a bad idea: blame prevents learning.
25. hardware stores don't sell milk: learn other people's rules of engagement
We are constantly shocked by the things other people say and do? Can you believe my manager said that to me in front of all those other people? Why doesn't my spouse appreciate what I do for her.
The problem is our expectations. My advice: the answer to frustration is acceptance. It's amazing how changing your expectations can change your experience.
The world is more global and organizations are more diverse, the likelihood we will interact with people very different from us is increasing exponentially.
Remember the golden rule? Treat other people the way you'd like to be treated? Forget it. It dones't apply anymore, if it ever did. Try this new rule instead: treat other people the way they'd like to be treated.
If you do't like to be micromanaged, for example, you probably try to avoid micromanaging others. But there are some times and some places where that would be a mistake, like India, for example.
In some cultures, it is important for meetings to start on time. In others, it makes no difference. In some cultures it's rude to interrupt. In others, it's simply the norm. When I'm sitting in a meeting with Yukiko, my Japanese partner, and she doesn't speak, I might assume she agrees with what I'm saying. But I'd be wrong. It's not that she agrees with me, it's just that she would never disagree with me in public. So instead of getting frustrated with other people, learn their rules of engagement.
27. It was a long shot: become a great receiver
Next time you feel the impulse to reject feedback or someone else's opinion or idea- drip the fight and open up yourself to the other person's input. The better you are at receiving, the more likely its that people will talk to you. Be courageous, don't judge, be open
28. A false start gets you disqualified: empathize first, help them feel better later.
"honey, there are a lot more swim meets in the season. you will have other chance to win."
I told her : the fact that you left the block prematurely means you were at your edge. You're trying not to wate a millisecond in hesitation. that's the right instinct. you misjudged the timing but that's okay. the more you do this, the better you will get at it.
“every swimmer on every team has been disqualified at some point. its part of the sport." Nothing we said seemed to have an effect on her. Nothing changed her expressionless stare..
Grandma put her arm around Dana and just sat there quietly. Eventually, Dana leaned her head on her shoulder. After a few moments of silence she kissed dana's head and said " I know how hard you work at this, honey, it's sad t get disqualified" At this point, Dana began to cry. Mimi continued to sit there, with her arm around Dana...all of us except Mii missed what Dana needed.
We tried to make her feel better by helping her see the advantage of failure, putting the defeat in context, teaching her to draw a lesson from it, and motivating her to work harder and get better so it don't happen again.
In the previous chpters, we explored the vlue of slowing down and resisting the impulses and temptations to act in ways that, when looked under the microscope, don't serve our interest. I discussed pausing for a few seconds to overcome our self-defeating mental habits and to replace them with smarter choices. And we explored ditching behaviors that leave us frazzled, overwhelmed, and spent, and embracing onces that help us act from our strength and connect with ourselves deeply.
Often people either connect deeply to themselves- and lose sight of other people-or they connect deeply to other people and lose themselves. But true power comes from doing both at the same time. Staying connected to yourself and from that place, connecting deeply with others brings productive outcomes as well as happiness.
The problem is that, while we often long to connect with others, our tendencies leave us disconnected. In difficult or stressful situation, we follow our knee-jerk reactions to get defensive, argue, or blame others. We end up alienating ourselves and others.
In part 2 we will focus on replacing the bad habits that keep us away from forging strong relationships, with good habits that help us connect deeply and peacefully with others.
18. Prioritize relationships
Being a good friend is an art. You have to give of yourself, but not so much that you lose yourself. You need to know what you want and pursue it while helping others achieve what they want.
When it comes to forging deep friendships in our competitive work spheres, our instinct is often to keep people at arm's length. You hear a single phrase ore often" I'm not here to make friends!" Apparently many of the contestants believe that in order to win they can;t worry about how they affect others. As one contestant said "Its noting personalThis is f..g business."
Even if we don't believe that being cutthroat is better than being collaborative, many of us simply don't make time for building the kind of strong and supportive friendships that characterized .. We are too involved in our own lives, too busy with our own challenges, and too focused on being productive in our own work to really focus on others. But is this the smartest, most productive way to move through life?
according to the research giving to others- a reliable way of fostering friendships-makes us happier than taking things for ourselves...money can buy happiness-as long as you spend it on other people. Once you are on the job, having a best friend at work is a strong predictor of success.
"people try hard not to fire their friends, it's the difference between he is a good guy, and I don't know about that guy..developing strong relationship with others is one of the keys to unlocking our sustainable success.
19. The hardest part is after the speech
A conference-life, for that matter- is just a bunch of human beings bumping into other human beings. Most of whom feel awkward about it. Most of whom feel awkward about it. Most of whom, more than anything, would love to be seen for who they are, not just the roles they represent. its our best shot at having a meaningful experience in a situation that often leaves us feeling shallow. being known for who we were, not just what were, is clearly good for us.
20. He broke up with her in a text: don't let the package distract you from the message
We got so distracted by the awkward, sometimes inappropriate way in which someone is communicating that we miss what the person is communicating. People's tendency to focus on the package rather than the message plagues us and decimate our productivity. For example, my friend confessed he was afraid to write emails to his new colleagues: it seems like everything is politics "why did you cc that person why did you bring up that budget issue?" I spent half my time trying to craft my communications just right. What a waste. Frankly, it's easier and smarter to just not communicate.
Here is the real issue: we are all clumsy communicators-both in what we say and in what we hear. Add to that cultural, religious, geographic, gender, age, language, and socioeconomic diversity, and it's a miracle we understand each other at all. Our natural shortcomings as communicators are precisely why we spend so much of our time confused, upset, disappointed, suspicious, or angry at many of the people around us. The solution? Try this:
Notice: anytime you feel a negative emotion about something said or written to you, it's a warning sign that you might be getting distracted by the package. If you feel anger, sadness, frustration, disgust, and disbelief, you will know its time to move to step 2.
Pause, take a deep breath. Then recognize how something was communicated..cut yourself, and everyone else, some slack. don't assume malicious intent. Don't take it personally. resist the urge to be offended.
Interpret. Now reread what was written, thank about what the person was trying to convey. search for value, strive for understanding.
Respond. a good rule of thumb is to use a different medium than elicited your emotional response. if a text upset you, don't text back. if an email set you off, pick up the phone. And when you do reply, ignore the package and focus on the message.
I switched gears, took the lead, and asked to read..as we unpacked the actual message-as we read between the lines-it became clear that Ned was overwhelmed by his feelings. he need to slow down, but it was also clear that he really lie leslie. Ned;s text message turned out to be a present. a gift she almost discarded because the wrapping was so ugly.
As we keep up with the speed-of-light pace of our busy lives, we've all become clumsy communicators. don't get distracted or offered by now the message is commenced or delivered. assume the best, look beyond how someone communicates with you, and respond to what's really going on.
22.Refuse to write someone off
I enjoy him for his other attributes. but I know what to expect from him..most time hey arent betraying you, they are just being their imperfect selves, struggling with tie own issues. Accept the person and their limitations, and move on
23. The inescapable parking ticket
Arguing achieves a predictable outcome: it solidifies each person's stance. It also wastes time and deteriorates relationships. There is only one solution: stop arguing. And resist the temptation to start an argument in the first place.
Listen has the opposite effect of arguing. Arguing closes people down. Listening slows them down. And then it opens them up. When people feel heard, they relax. They feel generous. And they become more interested in hearing you. And that's when you have a shot of doing the impossible:changing that person's mind-and maybe your own-because listening, not arguing , is the best way to shift a perspective.
One by one they started taking responsibility for their role
there is one tricky thing about taking the blame. you need to have confidence in yourself and your capability. you need the personal strength to accept failure. you need enough self-esteem to believe you can learn from your mistakes and succeed another day. It's okay to step on a do, it happens, just don't blame the dog! Country to our natural urge to defend ourselves and excuse our mistakes, taking the blame is the power move.
24. Don't blame the dog
Blaming others is a poor strategy and not simply because everyone can see through it. Or because it's dishonest. Or because it destroys relationships. Or even because while trying to preserve our self-esteem, it actually weakens it. There is a more essential reason why blame is a bad idea: blame prevents learning.
25. hardware stores don't sell milk: learn other people's rules of engagement
We are constantly shocked by the things other people say and do? Can you believe my manager said that to me in front of all those other people? Why doesn't my spouse appreciate what I do for her.
The problem is our expectations. My advice: the answer to frustration is acceptance. It's amazing how changing your expectations can change your experience.
The world is more global and organizations are more diverse, the likelihood we will interact with people very different from us is increasing exponentially.
Remember the golden rule? Treat other people the way you'd like to be treated? Forget it. It dones't apply anymore, if it ever did. Try this new rule instead: treat other people the way they'd like to be treated.
If you do't like to be micromanaged, for example, you probably try to avoid micromanaging others. But there are some times and some places where that would be a mistake, like India, for example.
In some cultures, it is important for meetings to start on time. In others, it makes no difference. In some cultures it's rude to interrupt. In others, it's simply the norm. When I'm sitting in a meeting with Yukiko, my Japanese partner, and she doesn't speak, I might assume she agrees with what I'm saying. But I'd be wrong. It's not that she agrees with me, it's just that she would never disagree with me in public. So instead of getting frustrated with other people, learn their rules of engagement.
27. It was a long shot: become a great receiver
Next time you feel the impulse to reject feedback or someone else's opinion or idea- drip the fight and open up yourself to the other person's input. The better you are at receiving, the more likely its that people will talk to you. Be courageous, don't judge, be open
28. A false start gets you disqualified: empathize first, help them feel better later.
"honey, there are a lot more swim meets in the season. you will have other chance to win."
I told her : the fact that you left the block prematurely means you were at your edge. You're trying not to wate a millisecond in hesitation. that's the right instinct. you misjudged the timing but that's okay. the more you do this, the better you will get at it.
“every swimmer on every team has been disqualified at some point. its part of the sport." Nothing we said seemed to have an effect on her. Nothing changed her expressionless stare..
Grandma put her arm around Dana and just sat there quietly. Eventually, Dana leaned her head on her shoulder. After a few moments of silence she kissed dana's head and said " I know how hard you work at this, honey, it's sad t get disqualified" At this point, Dana began to cry. Mimi continued to sit there, with her arm around Dana...all of us except Mii missed what Dana needed.
We tried to make her feel better by helping her see the advantage of failure, putting the defeat in context, teaching her to draw a lesson from it, and motivating her to work harder and get better so it don't happen again.
But she didn't need any of that. She already knew it. And if she didn't, she'd figure it out on her own. The thing she needed, the thing she cou;dn't give herself, the thing that Mimi reached out and gave her? Empathy.
She needed to feel that she wasn't alone, that we all loved her and that her failure didn't change that. She needed to know we understood how she was feeling and that we had confidence that she would figure out. That we trust her.
Most of us miss that. Typically, when people fail, we blame them. Or teach them. Or try to make them feel better. All of which, paradoxically, makes them feel worse. It also prompts defensiveness as an act of self-preservation.
When people feel most connected and perform best when they feel trusted.
30.
Give the gift of appreciation
Even though it's a few years behind me, I still remember my forty-third birthday.
I remember feeling so appreciated, respected, and loved.
32. Why Tim didn't get the promotion: don't skip you thank-yous
John, the CEO of a sales organization, sent an e-mail to Tim, an employee several levels below, to compliment him on his performance in a recent meeting. Tim, didn't respond to the email. Tim said he didn't see the need, but he was wrong. John's email deserved, at the very least, a thank-you.
Before you accuse John of being trivial or oversensitive, before you condemn his poor hiring judgement, consider what saying thank you represents. On a basic level, it communicates that you received the email. While there's a lot of advice that discourages writing thank-you emails because they contribute to email overload, I disagree. I answer every real e-mail I receive because I want to avoid the recipient's "Did Peter get my email, and what's he thinking?" angst. It takes three seconds to respond :Thanks!" and it completes the transaction initiated by the sender.
But an email that contains emotional content-like a compliment-deserve es something longer: a real, thought-out thank-you as opposed to a simple I-received-your-email thank you. When you offer a real thought-out thank-you to someone, your acknowledging her effort, appreciating her thoughtfulness recognizing her intent, and offering feedback on the impact of her actions.
Still, it's more than that. Those things are rational, but saying thank you is mostly an emotional act. It connects one person to another. saying thank you don't just acknowledge someone's effort, thoughtfulness, intent, or action. It acknowledges that other person. This is a critical responsibility
Go ahead and argue: we're all to busy at work and in life to spend time exchanging pleasantness if John needs to much stroking, he can't possibly be a good CEO. He's our of touch with the digital age where an answered emails are the accepted norm; if Tim is doing his work well, that's all that matters; people are paid to do their jobs, and they don't need to be thanked; saying than you to you CEO for a nice email is nothing more than brown-nosing.
At a time when we are all too busy and have too much to do, it's tempting to focus only on essential communications. It seems unproductive to spend time saying thank you.
Our instinct not to send thank you email (whether in an effort to save us time or to avoid overloading others with unnecessary messages) actually backfires. It ends up creating more work for everyone-especially for the original sender, who wants to know whether we had received their message and invariable will email again to confirm. A thank you note not only conform, it creates good will and makes relationships stronger, more resilient, and less likely to devolve into energy-sucking conflicts.
The consequences of not saying thank you become more obvious if you take away the digital element. How would you feel if you complimented someone in person and he just walked away from you without saying anything? Weird, right?
Saying thank you-sincerely and with heart-feels good. Doing so might make your relationship immune to future time-sucking conflicts. Saying thank you is never a waste of time.
33. Establish Boundaries with others
1. know your no: identify what's important to you and acknowledge what's not.
2. Be appreciative: thank them for thinking of you or making the request/invitation.
3. Say no to the request, not the person
4. Explain why: be honest about why you're saying no
5. Be prepared to miss out. Remind yourself that when you're saying no to the request, you are simultaneously saying yes to sth you value more than the request.
34.Towing our neighbor's son's car: ask questions. Don't attack back
Eleanor, usually calm and collected, responded instinctively, "did you just call us mean and self-centered?" she retorted." This is our parking space, and he was in it! And you are screaming at me!" This only made Leslie angrier and louder. They went at it, both arguing their points, getting more enraged, and entrenching more deeply in their positions. The conversation was spiraling down, yet neither of them could stop or change it's direction. The longer they argued, the farther they moved from any useful, positive resolution.
My impulse was to jump in, defend our actions, yell louder if I had to, and win the fight since I was convinced we did nothing wrong. But I resisted that temptation. Ultimately, I want a good relationship with our neighbor, and that for sure, would not have gotten us there. Instead, I asked myself, what does Leslie want from us. The answer was immediately obvious to me-since she was yelling, that must mean she wanted to be heard. Once she felt we understood her point of view and appreciated how angry she was, I bet she would calm down. Then we could talk.
But I feel like I needed a way in. Something before listening that would clearly indicate my interest to be in a real conversation with her. I also had real questions as to what was going on. Given that, my next move became obvious to me: ask Leslie questions, and try to understand where she was coming from.
To do that, I need to ask open-ended, exploratory questions: who, what, when, where, how, why, and the like-questions that would clarify what she was saying and feeling and help me unpack the situation from her perspective.
"Hey Leslie," I broke in, " I see you are really angry. What's going on?" She saw a new victim and pounced. " Angry doesn't even begin to describe it.." it was hard to simply stand there and listen, but I did. And I asked questions.I wasn't just doing it to placate her; I was doing it to better understand what was going on for her.
I worked. Eventually, I felt like I really understood why she was so angry. After several minutes, I said, " I want to make sure I understand this right...the people you think are your good neighbors have his car towed. Not only does it feel like we betrayed you, but we've just given your son one more reason not to come home. I see why you are angry- I would be angry too."
"Year, that's right, " she said, a little more softly. And then she was silent. I had understood the depth of her reaction. Her emotional transaction was complete. she felt heard.
At that point, I had enough space in the conversation to tell her we wee sorry and that because her son came to rarely, we didn't recognized his car. And since he didn't leave a note on it, we had no way of knowing it was his. And since it was after midnight-too late to go knocking on everyone's doors just to see if the car might belong to them-we made the best decision we could make at the time. Still, we were sorry to have towed her son's car. And we were sorry that he visited so infrequently.
There was a silent pause as we both stood there. Then, to our surprise, she smiled. " Thank you," she said. and she apologized for her son parking in our space without leaving a note. She also apologized for yelling.
The only reason I was effective in that situation is that I had a minute to think. But while I'm a big believer in pausing before responding, it's hard to do that in the blur of an attack.
When people learn a martial art, they practice the same move endlessly until it becomes automatic and available when they are ambushed. I realize that day that I needed the conversational equivalent. So I resolved to make a change. I created a new habit when I feel attached: asking a question...even if that questions is " can you tell me more?"...you will save the time wasted arguing and recriminating.
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