Part1: Vision
The Manic Society
The Busy Generation
The Hyperactive Workplace
The Joyless Economy
Part2: Potential
Authentic Success
The Self Principle
The Success Contract
Inner Dialogue
Part3: Wisdom
Wisdom Is Not an MBA
Success Is Not Always Up
Success Is Not Always Up
Happiness Is Not an It
Money Is Not Your Purpose
Love Is Not Just an Emotion
Part4: Relationships
The Broken Community
The Independence Myth
The Competition Block
Thin Conversations
A Better Balance
Part5: Courage
Shift Happens
A Failure Policy
Further Education
Higher Learning
Part 6: Grace
Destination Addiction
Insane Busyness
The Failure of More
The Energy Crisis
Part 7: Renaissance
Be the Goal
The Big Fear
A Ph. D. in Happiness
Saying Yes
Prologue
Life is full of moments. One moment is after another. Some
moments pass by with you barely noticing. Other moments stay with you forever.
They change the way you think, you see, you live.
I had a life-changing moment when I was 16 years old. It was
a Saturday afternoon, and I was half-walking and half-running down a very busy
street. As I hurried along, I notice a man lying facedown on the pavement. He
could have been dead or dying. Everyone saw him. He was in plain view. We all
pretended not to see him.
I was going to pass him by. I was late. I was only 16. But
something made me stop. I moved cautiously toward him. He was wearing an old,
disheveled coat. His glasses lay next to his head. The lenses were smashed. His
hair was long and wild. He stank of alcohol. I guessed he was homeless. I
pulled at his arm and turned him over. His face was a mass of cuts and bruises.
He was barely conscious. He smiled at
“Hello, Dad,” I said.
My dad suffered from alcoholism. Which he denied, of course.
He had hidden his drinking for years. We
didn’t see it. One psychiatrist showed us some brain scans. “You father has
been an alcoholic for most of his adult life,” he said. With hindsight, I
remember Dad liked to drink. I also remember he was often very tired. Sometimes
he would suddenly look very old. But we were happy, or so I thought. Mom; Dad,
David; and I-“the Holdens”- all loved each other. Everyone knew that. But none
of us knew that Dad was in so much pain. Silent pain.
My dad’s alcoholism becomes obvious. His drinking
accelerated and his denial increased. Mom tried to get through to Dad. We all
did, but we were on the outside and couldn’t get in. Confrontations,
ultimatums, and more denials followed. Eventually Dad moved out. For the last
nice years of his life he lived homeless.
The pain I felt was beyond words. I woke up every day for
ten years with a sharp, stabbing ache in my belly. I was having a midlife
crisis in a teenager’s body. Amazingly,
even as Dads alcoholism worsened, he still held senior management positions for
investment banks and stock market.
My dad’s fast demise shocked everyone. He was a successful
man in most people’s eye. He had enjoyed a rich and varied career with
multinational companies such as Hertz and TWA. He has a family who loved him.
Certainly there had been difficult times, too. He made money and he lost money.
He got promoted and he got fired, several times. Some ventures grew and some
folded. But he was always well respected and held in high esteem.
So what had happened to my dad? The doctors said it was due
to alcoholism. I think it was something worse than that. The more time I spent
with Dad, the more I understood that he was not ill; he was lost. Somewhere
along the road to success he had gotten lost. He had lost sight of what is
real. He had also lost sigh of himself…My dad had a career, and look what
had happened to him. Surely there is more to life than just have a career.
For the next nine years, I prayed each night that my dad was
safe and sleeping under a roof. My dad’s pain taught me that in a world full of
front-page news, fast-tracked careers, designer clothing and tragic sports
results; you have to remember what is real. Success is about seeing the truth
in all things. It is about living wisely and knows what you love.
Part One: Vision
I was born at the Princess Elizabeth Hospital in Kenya. The
midwife told my mother it was the fastest birth she’d ever seen. There was
virtually no labor, and I arrived in record time. Apparently I couldn’t wait to
get the umbilical cord cut. My mother says she immediately recognized in me a
sense of purpose and urgency.
I was born with fat genes. One day when I was four years
old. My mother asked me why I looked so worried. I told her, “I’m thinking
about how to get a mortgage.” From the beginning, I was eager to make my mark
on the world and do something important with my life.
Like most teenagers, I was ambitious for success, but I
didn’t really know what success was. After my father’s downfall, my ambition
for success intensified. During my 20s I pioneered two health-care clinics,
authored five books, lectured internationally, gave over 1,000 media
interviews, and was financially set. Looking back now, I think I hope my
success would help to heal the pain I felt about my dad.
My list of achievements looked impressive, but there was
also something frantic about it. I had sprinted through my life without much
pause or sopping. I was so impatient for my life to happen. Of course, after 21
you hit 30 too soon, and then 40 even faster. “We imagine that we can turn the
pages slowly, one by one, pausing at each paragraph, “ wrote Harold. “But it is
not like that, believe me. The pages are caught by a gust of wind, a hurricane,
and they flutter and rush through our fingers.”
Over time, I learned that success is not a race; it is a
journey. I also learned that success is not an achievement; it is a discovery.
The primary task, then, is to create a vision for success.
信仰和生活相关
你信仰什么就会照着怎样的方式生活
要真诚
The Manic Society
In the Fast
Society, we find ways to do everything faster than ever before. It is an ASAP way of life. Fast is exciting.
Fast offers us the possibility of success sooner, happiness sooner, love
sooner, everything sooner. Every morning we wake early to the sound of our
alarm clocks. We rise immediately. The “Snooze” button is for losers. We hit
the shower. Speed-dry our hair. Switch on our fast-boil coffeemaker. Drink
caffeine to lift our spirits. Scan the headlines. Take our breakfast with us to
the car. And aim to beat the rush hour.
In the Manic
Society, we speed ahead, on fast-forward, and the danger is that we leave
behind the truth.
Men stumble over the truth from time to
time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.
Of particular
concern is how our relationships suffer in the Manic Society. Our frantic
schedules cause us to skim across the surface of each other’s lives without
ever really connecting. The mad rush demands so much of our time and energy
that we have to resort to quality time,” date nights, text messages, and speed
dating to connect with anyone. We excel at shorthand relationships in which we
get each other’s abridged headline news, but miss out on any intimate heart-to
heart exchanges. The pressure to work harder is relentless, and we often end up
emotionally unavailable an d socially isolated.
Personally, as
someone who often lives life fast, I find I have to be constantly mindful about
giving my relationships my best attention. In my heart of hearts, I know that
my relationships are more important to me than more money, more business book
deals, and television studios. And yet, periodically, I let my relationships
lapses into a shorthand form of communication in which I barely manage to
“catch up” with those I love.
Like so many people
in the Manic Society, Graham had allowed his addiction to speed to blur his
vision and perspective. He no longer had any idea what success is, other than
to do more of the same and faster.
Pit Stops
Shortly before my
36th birthday, I woke one morning with acute pain in my lower back.
At first the pain felt like an angry bee sting, but it soon worsen into a
sharp, stabbing sensation. I should have stopped everything and visited my
doctor. Instead I elected to press on with my busy schedule of seminars, master
classes, and coaching sessions, which I wanted to honor. Over the next a few
days, the pain became so intense that my body was in a constant sweat. Still I
didn’t stop. I gave several presentations wearing an ice pack and standing on
one leg. Then one day the pain became so horrible I passed out. I finally got
the hint that it was time to stop.
No longer able to
override the pain, my life came to a grinding halt for about eight weeks. The
pain was so intense that no painkiller had any positive effect. Not even
morphine injections worked. It was a frightening time, and I was eventually
diagnosed with a prolapsed disc. It was also- at least initially- a hugely
frustrating time as I fell further and further behind with my work schedule.
I returned to work
and I had to take each day slowly…instead of six appointments a day, I did two.
And instead of doing 20 things on my to-do list, I did what was necessary. My
change of pace forced me to become more discerning, more strategic, and
ultimately, I believe, more effective. I ran around less, but I got through
more of what was really important. This was a real eye-opener, to say the
least.
Several specialists
recommended I have immediate surgery, but instead I chose a holistic program of
treatment that included chiropractic, massage, acupuncture, and healing. I made
a full and quick recovery, mostly because I really slowed down. I was surprised
and delighted by how slowing down-and stopping-had radically helped improve the
quality of my life and work. With more intelligent pacing, I became more
present and more effective. Also, I found more time to have important
conversations I would previously have missed. Mentally, I felt centered and
more peacefully all through the day.
In the Manic
Society, we increasingly display what psychologists call “Type H” behavior. The
“H” stands for hurried, hostile, and humorless. We are so hurried that we have
no time to be present. We are so hostile for fear of losing speed that we end u
feeling isolated. And we are so humorless that we forget to enjoy this moment
or, indeed any moment. We have run out of shortcuts and are completely lost.
It is an old ironic habit of human beings to
run faster when we have lost our way.
In the Manic
Society, we live our lives fast, but we do not always live them well. Perpetual
motion. Internal combustion. Permanently busy. There is no stillness. There is
no stopping. We are afraid to stop because we are afraid of losing time and
falling behind. We suffer from an appalling sense of inner poverty and lack.
When we don’t stop, we forget- we forgot what is important, we forget who we
are, we forget that there are other options, and we forget what life is really
for.
Cultivating the
regular habit of stopping is an essential skill for being successful and
staying sane in the Manic Society. If we never stop, we end up skimming the
surface of life; our time disappears and we miss the richness, depth, and
texture of each occasion. Stopping, if only for a few minutes a day, is a way
to connect again to your vision, your wisdom, and your purpose.
I illustrate the
crucial importance of stopping to my clients by using an example fro Formula
One motor racing the fastest sport in the world. Central to the strategy of
winning a Formula One race is the pit stop. No driver, no matter how fast he or
she dries, can win a race without taking a pit stop. In the pit stop the
drivers get refreshment, receive instructions, have engine repairs, fill the
gas tank, and set off on fresh tires. A Formula One race is all about speed and
strategy- and it is in the timing and management of the pit stop that the race
is often won.
In life, a pit stop
can take many forms. Meditation can be a pit stop. Prayer can be a pit stop. So
too can a lunch break, an inspiring book, a game of golf, a regular yoga class,
and time with friends. Stopping can help us remember our vision, connect more
deeply to our wisdom, and make us more open and available to inspiration.
Stopping can save us so much time, so many mistakes, and much heartache.
The Busy Generation
Richard told me “Every
week I enter the lottery, but I am always too busy to check if I have won or
not.” He looked up to the heavens and said wistfully, “I’m probably sitting on
a fortune, and I don’t know it.”
As the Bible says:
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under
heaven”. There will always be projects,
goals, birthday parties, and deadlines that require extra time and energy.
For the Busy
Generation, busyness has become a way of life. We are either busy or looking
busy. Every time we proclaim, “ I am busy, “ we are saying to the rest of the
Busy Generation that we are worth something, that we have value, and that our
lives are important.
From a distance,
being busy looks damned impressive and very necessary. It looks like purpose,
focus, drive, and huge productivity. Up close, however, our busyness often
betrays us. It often hides levels of confusion, fear, anxiety, and pain. It is
often just noise. It has no real substance to it.
Permanent busyness
You have to learn
that it is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: What are we
busy about?
Permanent busyness
might start with the best of intentions, but along the way we disconnect from
what is truly important, sacred, and real.
We may achieve
“optical success” but we do not necessarily feel successful. We may achieve a
lot, but we are often too busy to enjoy it. We are too busy paying off the mortgage
to enjoy any quality time at home. We have lovers to whom we are too tired to
make love. We have children who seem to grow up too fast. We have “really great
friends” whom we hardly ever see. We don’t take vacations. We are too busy to
be happy.
Permanent busyness is
usually counterfeit success. The “buzz” and the “rush” feel great for a time,
but the adrenaline soon runs out. We are busy about nothing in particular.
Permanent busyness
blacks vision. It is my fervent belief that leaders are not meant to be
permanently busy. Leaders are the custodians of vision. My goal is to help them
discipline themselves to make time for the big picture and inspiration. I help
them to lead with vision.
The ability to focus attention on
important thing is a defining characteristic of intelligence.
Reward
success, not busyness!
Busyness Audit
Now that it’s all
over, what did you really do yesterday that was worth mentioning?
Stop to review
success? Specialize in failure analysis?
Business is not true success.
It is my experience
that permanent busyness is mainly compensation for a lack of clarity about true
success. I notice that whenever an individual, a team, or a family becomes
clearer about success, they naturally become less busy. Personally I find that
whenever I meditate on the nature of true success, any unnecessary busyness
quickly falls away. Busyness audit helps me to be better at saying “Yes” to
what is truly important and “No, thank you” to what is not.
Business is not your purpose.
For 23 years I went
to work without a purpose. I had a reason, which was money. But a reason is not
the same thing as a purpose. Busyness is what you give your time to; a purpose
is what you give your heart to. Purpose is about love and wholeheartedness.
Business has no implicit value.
The busy Generation
lives as if each moment must be filled with an action or a task. We know how to
busy ourselves. We operate in a constant “doing” mode and only reset when
everything is done. But there is no end to the doing and often no real purpose
either.
Another variety of
busyness that blacks success is “ addictive busyness.” People who suffer from
addictive busyness become insanely neurotic if they are not doing something.
They feel guilty and valueless without a to-do list. Angela says “Either I
leave work on time and feel guilty, or I get home late and feel guilty.”
Permanent business
can often be counterproductive in that it invariably leads to exhaustion and
feeling overwhelmed. The sigmoid curve for busyness shows that PB takes people
up, up and up until inevitably they suffer a drop in energy and result.
Business is not people-friendly
Business bypasses the heart:
The Chinese word
for “busy” is composed of two characters: “Heart” and “killing”
The Hyperactive
Workplace
Michael says, “Work
became an enormous black hole that chew up my energy, my dreams, my
relationships, my health, everything…I made great money but at the expense of
everything I valued.”
More Heart
The modern formula
for work appears to be: More Success +Greater Speed+Fewer Resources ask
yourself, “Do I really want to play this game.”
More Balance
I asked Clive to
assess how much of his working day he spent on
a.
Tasks
b.
Relationships
c.
Vision
More Joy
The Joyless Economy
Is it asking too
much to be successful and happy?
I have worked
closely with very successful people from all walks of life. It has been a great
education…Why isn’t their success enough?
The BBC began by
running “Who wants to be happy?” Their happiness training had four major areas
of focus:
a.
Inner
happiness
b.
Everyday
abundance
c.
Positive
relationships
d.
True
success
Keith, in his early
40s, was successful, rich, attractive, healthy, and discontented. He had all
the symptoms f what scientists call the “new depression”
“I thought I had
everything I’d ever really wanted: a well-paid job, a girlfriend I was happy
with and a Mark II Jaguar. But there still seemed to be something missing. I
wasn’t happy about something, but what that something is I don’t know.
I told him that his
definition of success sounded like a shopping list. He nodded thoughtful.
According to the
Lexus ad, “Whoever said money cant buy happiness isn’t spending it right.” In
our consumer-driven society, we have developed what philosopher Erich called a
“having mode” of existence. In this mode we define success, happiness, and love
as “things” apart from us that we must pursue catch, and own. We speak in terms
of “achieving” success.
Fromm, in his book
To Have or To Be? He said that “to be”
successful requires an inquiry and education about our identity (Who am I?),
about our personal values (What do I want?), and about our vision (What is my
life for) Fromm warned us that if we skip this learning and try only “to have”
success, we risk accumulating more and more “things” that we don’t need or want
anyway. We become “thing junkies” who try to work and spend our way to success,
but finish up feeling empty of any true purpose or value.
The reason why so
many people are successful and unhappy is not because there is not enough to
accumulate, it is because we have not figured out what we really want.
“Truth”-What do I
really want?
